Tag Archives: Depression

Story: Paradox’s Despair -Chapter 25

25.
“Oh… that is rough news Zero.” A young recruitment officer mumbled to Zero when they had heard Zero had been fired. “At least you don’t have to see that viper’s face any longer.”

“She isn’t a viper.” He muttered. “Don’t any pony in here say anything bad about LillyRose; if they do, they’ll have to go against me.” Zero stated as he got up from the bunk and left the barracks, he trotted out to the training grounds and sighed as he looked up at the night sky. Silver Dash looked over at the commotion curiously, watched him leave and turned back to her friends.

Paradox was watching over Zero on his own time; he grinned as he transformed into his disguise of a gray unicorn guard. He approached Zero outside acting like he was a little drunken. “Oh… is you? What are you doing here?” he slurred his words as he fell against Zero.

Zero looked at the unicorn in irritation. “What is wrong with you?”

“Nothing… why is sum thin wrong with you?” Paradox asked as he stumbled and used Zero as a way to steady himself.

“There is…” he whispered “But I rather not talk about it.”

“Was it about Lady Chaos?” He asked as he slipped off Zero’s side and fell to the grass.

Zero nodded and trotted away from the drunken unicorn. “Please, just leave me alone.”

Paradox was going to get up when a hoof was offered to him. He looked up and saw a mare with a silver and gold mane smiling down at him. “You need help up?” She asked.silverwoarmor

His eyes widened and he swallowed hard. “I… um, I…” he slowly transformed and took her hoof in his paw. She kept smiling at him as he stood up.

“You didn’t need help up.” She giggled. “Are you Paradox?”

He nodded and still had her hoof in his paw. “Did anyone tell you that you look beautiful?”

Zero trotted towards the other side of the training field, didn’t notice anything going on around him as he approached the tree at the far end. He sat down on the bench next to the old willow tree.

She landed softly near the old willow. Her wings folded gently and silently as she looked at Zero who was sitting on the bench facing away from her.

Paradox felt stupid at what he said to the mare, but he wasn’t lying and the mare was still there smiling at him. “What is your name?”

“Silver.” she said as she looked at his beautiful blue eyes. “You don’t remember me?”

He shook his head as he just stared at her. “I am sorry I don’t, but I would love to make new memories of you.”

Lilly slowly walked to Zero as he sat on the bench; she sat opposite of him and looked at him. He had his head down and he looked a little angry.imhere

Zero was irritated. He wanted to be alone but even being alone there was always some pony else there. He wanted to tell the other pony to beat it and leave him be so he looked up with a frown on his face and a bitter retort on his lips when his eyes widened to see Lilly staring at him.

“You wanted to say something?” Lilly asked him, a smile on her face.

“My Lady.” he jumped up and bowed to her.

Lilly chuckled. “Do friends really bow to one another?”

He looked up. “I… don’t think so.” He stood up and looked at her.

She stood up also and walked to him. “You looked so sad and angry; what is wrong?”

Zero looked at his hooves. “I am angry because the other guards keep making me angry I wanted, no, I needed to get away from them. You were gone too, might be the reason why I was sad. I missed you.” He blushed. “You’re back now and I feel a little better.”

“Zero…” she whispered. “I wasn’t planning on coming back as soon as I did. I still have to leave to find my aunt Misery, but I had to return.”

“So you’re leaving again? Why did you come back? Did you forget something?” He looked at her crimson eyes.

Lilly nodded. “I forgot something very important.”

Paradox realized that he was still holding Silver’s hoof and he blushed. “I guess you’d need that.”silverdashmeet

Silver giggled at his wit and she went over to him and smiled more. “Dox, I really like you, I’ve liked you when Lilly and I would play and you’d just be there.” Her blue cheeks highlighted with a blush. “I wanted to tell you then, but you liked another filly and I…” she looked down at her hooves.

“You don’t think I look like a monster do you?” He asked suddenly.

Silver looked at him in shock. “No? Why would you ask that?”

He smiled as he went over to her and gave her a hug. “Thank you.”you'renot

Silver hugged him back; a little confused. “You’re welcome?”

Lilly leaned up against Zero and gave him a hug. “I forgot my heart here.”

Zero swallowed hard when she said that and he hugged her back. “You mean?”

“I mean that you are my heart and I need you with me.” She whispered softly as she let him go from the hug. “Unless you don’t want to be with me.”

“I… I want to be with you Lilly. I want to be a part of your life.” They kissed under the willow tree.

Paradox stepped back from the hug and blushed. “I’m sorry it’s just… I remember you… You’re Aunt Rainbow Dash’s daughter.”

“Yes. Rainbow Dash is my mom, but, I am an adult Dox, so are you…” She smiled shyly at him.

Paradox blinked as the urge rose within him and he couldn’t help himself as he pulled Silver to him; kissing her soft lips tenderly. Silver was surprised by the kiss but thoroughly melted in his arms as he rubbed his tongue up into her mouth entwining with her own tongue and they kissed deeply as her wings spread out and quivered.

Story: Paradox’s Despair – Chapter 16

16.

Paradox curled up in a ball, he had pulled the pillows around him and cried deeply as he felt like his whole life was shattering around him at that moment.

Fluttershy had landed outside of his door her own guard stood outside near the door. Fluttershy walked in closing the door to see him curled up crying. “Doxy? What is wrong?”

He looked up at his mother and his whole body had seemed drained of color. “It’s happened Mom, don’t you feel it? The emptiness…”

Fluttershy shook her head as she looked at him. “I don’t know what…” Paradox covered his head with the pillow.

drowningunderpillow“I’m drowning.” He said in a muffled voice. “And Lilly is gone. I can feel it.”

“No, Lilly is here, she just was up here with you… wasn’t she?” Fluttershy looked around.

He peered out from under the pillows. “No… she didn’t see me this morning.”

“Oh no.” Fluttershy said as she felt her heart tighten in her chest. “I have to tell your father.”

Paradox reached out and held his mother’s hoof. “Not yet Mom… I can’t be alone. Please stay with me.”

drowning1

“Okay Doxy.” She leaned against him putting her wing over him.

Story: Paradox’s Despair – Chapter 12

12.

Two guards stood outside Paradox’s room at attention looking forward with no emotion. One an earth pony the other a unicorn.

“There is a way to make you happy again.” Lilly said, “I’m going to make you happy.”

“How?” Paradox asked as he sat looking at the food that Lilly brought him.

“I don’t know yet.” she said as she looked at her hooves. “We moved to this great looking castle and there are many other ponies here in Canterlot and you choose to hide in this room.”

“Only because you have found your inner power, you’re Lady Chaos.” Paradox muttered as he poked the cake on his dessert plate.apple

“Big deal Dox. I’m still looking for myself.” Lilly grabbed the apple from his plate and started to eat it.

“Maybe you should ask Scarlet for insight.” he muttered.

“Scarlet doesn’t say anything unless it’s important, plus she never gives a straight answer. Besides it’ll just confuse Grace.” She then smiled. “Oh, did you know? Grace has a boyfriend.”

Paradox growled and sat up. “What?”

“Yes, it’s serious too. I met him; he’s a real gentle pony.”

“What does dad think of him?” Paradox was frowning.

“You know how dad is…” Lilly rolled her eyes.

Paradox lay back. “He terrorized him. Good.”

“Yeah, but no.” Lilly smirked.

Paradox looked at his sister. “Lilly, you are not telling me everything.”

She grinned at him. “I don’t want to. What a better way to get you out of here to talk to some pony else than mom and I.”

“I’m not interested.” He answered. “Besides, no one wants to talk to a monster.”

“I’ll tell you something… I am planning on leaving, I don’t know when or how long I will be gone.”

Paradox looked at her. “Why?”

“I cannot explain it Dox, but I feel like I am drowning at night and I feel like I need to claw through mud to catch my breath. It was like when I was being possessed by that evil entity that broke Celestia.” She gulped. “I don’t like that feeling Dox…”

“That is how I feel everyday Lilly. I need to destroy this feeling though; I don’t know how you can bare it while I feel like it is going to take me over.” Paradox closed his eyes. “Sometimes I let it just wash completely over me and wish it would really drown me, but it doesn’t. I awake the next morning.”

“Don’t drown Dox. I wouldn’t want that to happen to you. I want… no I think I need you to be happy again.” She leaned against him and sighed. “I love you Doxy. You have always been with me. I wish you were well enough to travel with me.”

Paradox sighed and leaned against her. “It is family that keeps me going. I am guessing that I would be lost if it wasn’t for you. I love you too Lilly. I am sorry if I cannot let this feeling go within me.”

"I would be lost if it wasn’t for you."
“I would be lost if it wasn’t for you.”

“I will find a way to make you escape those strange claws of doubt within you.” She muttered as she hugged him. “Eat something Doxy. I’m going to go and talk to Mom and Dad.”

Lilly walked out of her brother’s room and stopped when her guard snapped to attention. She let out a frustrated huff as she walked down the steps of the tower while her guard followed her.

“If you were a Pegasus; we’d already be at my parent’s room.” She muttered to the guard. He didn’t say anything as he walked behind her. He looked around and slowly looked down at her long scaly tail as she carried it slightly up so it wouldn’t drag on the ground. His eyes traveled up her tail to her hips and he felt his face start to burn with a blush; he looked away quickly.

Lilly kept grumbling as she started up the steps to the tower where her parents stayed. “How can I tell them?” She was asking herself. “So do I tell them that I am leaving and that they should not worry about me?”

Zero wanted to say something but he kept quiet as he walked up the stairs behind her, he kept his eyes averted from looking at her rear again though. Professionalism, remember your training, and keep thoughts to yourself.

Zero's View.
Zero’s View.

 

As they go to the top of the tower Lilly trotted to the doors where two guards were standing. They both put up their wings to block Lilly. “Halt.”

Lilly frowned at the guards. “Seriously? I am their daughter.”

“Lord Discord said they are not to be disturbed.” A large guard muttered to Lilly.

“I’m their daughter!” Lilly growled.

“My Lady?” Zero suddenly spoke up.

Lilly turned and looked at her guard. “What?”

“Maybe, they are doing something… important?” Zero gulped as she stared at him with her crimson eyes.

Lilly looked at the guards at the door, then she turned away her face was suddenly burning as a blush ran over her cheeks. “Oh.” She suddenly extended her wings. “I’m going to fly to my room, if you want to guard it, you’ll have to get there on your own.” She jumped up and flew towards her room in another tower.

Zero let out a deep sigh and hung his head after he looked at the two guards. They both shook their heads at him as he set out at a run to find Lilly’s room on his own.

Zero let out a deep sigh...
Zero let out a deep sigh

Story: Paradox’s Despair – Chapter 9

9.

paradoxbed
why didn’t you give into the temptation?

Lilly kissed her brother on his cheek. “We are going to move tomorrow Dox. We’ll have guards to watch you every day and make sure you do not hurt yourself. Of course Mom will be there, I think she’d be around you more than any guards.”Paradox slowly rolled over and looked up at her. “Lilly, why didn’t you give into the temptation?”

She blinked at him. “What are you talking about Dox?”

He shrugged as he looked up at the ceiling. “Nothing.”

Lilly was still tired as she stared at him, she then shook her head. “What do you think?”

“I think you should leave me here.” He closed his eyes as he rolled back over to sleep.

“I’m not going to leave you here.” Lilly yawned. “You’re moving to Canterlot with us. Whether you like it or not.”

Paradox pretended he was asleep but was staring at the wall. His ears twitched as he listened to his sister go to her room for the night. He slowly sat up, looked around the room and stretched out his wing and started to pet it slowly. “I would have given in…” He then plucked one of his feathers out; made a face from the pain as he lay back down while staring at his feather.

paradoxpluck
I would have given in…

 

Story: Paradox’s Despair. Chapter 2

lillyrose2.
Lilly opened to door to the cottage. She saw Fluttershy coming down the steps and as her mother saw her she looked relieved and scared all at once. “Lilly, your brother, he won’t open the door.”

“I’ll check on him. Is Dad home yet?” She hugged Fluttershy.

“Not yet. He should be soon.” Fluttershy whispered.

Lilly went upstairs and stopped when she saw Grace standing next to the door. “Grace, tell me…”

Grace was only a couple years younger than Dox and Lilly, and they were now in their late teens. Grace was only deaf in one ear and had very limited sight in her eye but she had unusual visions. “He is devastated, hurt, and crushed. Lilly, you can save him, but not today.” Grace whispered in a faraway voice and then shook her head. “He is calling himself a monster.” She said in her own voice.

Lilly hugged her sister, “Thank you. I’ll try and talk to him.”

Lilly tried the handle to the room, it was locked. She teleported in with her magic and she gasped when she saw that all the art work he had done was on the floor torn up and crumpled. She stepped towards him and she heard him sobbing into his pillow. “Dox?” she asked while she approached.

He stopped sobbing briefly as he looked up from his pillow to see his sister looking at him. “Lilly.” He slowly sat up and put his paws to his face. “I locked the door… you shouldn’t be in here…”

“You know you cannot hide anything from me.” Lilly was feeling anger well up inside of her and she didn’t know why. “Stop it Dox.”

“I’m sorry Lilly, I cannot help it.” He cried again. “Just leave me alone, it hurts so bad, I feel myself dying.”

“I’ll get father. He will know what to do.” Lilly said as she walked to the door unlocking it. “Don’t lock the door.”

Paradox growled as he pulled his pillow to him and started to tear into it with his claws ripping it until the feathers started to spill forth. “She was right… I’m a monster…”

Story: Paradox’s Despair. Chapter 1

This is a story that follows The Story Her Butterflies. A few years into the future.  MLP:FiM Universe.

LillyRose and Paradox are older. A little wiser, a little stupid too. This story will be rated NC-17 in spots.

Paradox went upstairs to his room.
Paradox went upstairs to his room.
Paradox’s Despair
By: Colleen Phillips
Started writing on January 11, 2015

Paradox looked at the pony that tore his heart out and stomped on it. She was a mare with a gray coat and a dark brown mane he had given her gifts of gems and jewelry. Today though… when he had asked her to be with him; she had laughed in his face. “I could never be with you… look at yourself… You’re nothing but a monster.” She had said with venomous intent and she turned away from him.

It was this instant that made his heart fall; his body seemed to suddenly be drained. His slow descent into despair began, and he walked home to the cottage opened the door, didn’t hear his mother greet him as he stumbled up the stairs to his room.

Lilly suddenly was hit by a wave of hate and nausea as she looked around curiously. It was as if her soul was clenched in a heavy vice and was being squeezed. “Paradox.” She whispered.

“What did you say?” Lilly’s friends asked her when they noticed that she looked worried. Her friends were Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Silver Dash, Sprinkle Icing and Crispin.

“I think my brother needs me.” Lilly answered them as she apologized. “Sorry. I’ll talk to you later.”

They waved to her as she rushed home.

Silver Dash looked a little worried. “I wonder what happened.”

Scootaloo shook her head. “Who knows, it’s Paradox.”

“Didn’t you go out with him?” Sprinkle asked; she was a light pink earth pony with a fluffy light blue mane.

“Yeah, he was fun, we had a lot of fun, but I guess it was just puppy love, we drifted apart.” Scootaloo sighed as if she had a little bit of regret.